Few Words…

IMG_20160904_200957.jpgFadeyi BRT bus stop
I had been standing for almost an hour on a ridiculously long queue under the scorching sun, with Eben’s You are God all by yourself on a full blast in my ears. I had told myself, Hilda by 4pm, a bus will come, it will be your turn & you’d be seated. Four buses came & went. Alas! it still wasn’t my turn.
3:53pm a bus came & another at 3:55pm, i muttered underneath my breath, my God never fails. It had become a thing for me, to predict traffic or my arrival time, most times i was right. It was quite a surprise when the 2 buses left & it still wasn’t my turn, i was tired but i was relentless, I knew no matter how long it took, my turn would come. 4:05pm A bus came, this time it got to me, as i stepped into the bus, i realised all the seats were taken, this means I’d have to stand all through my journey, in the alternative I’d only be able to sit when others alight & a space was available . It took me less than 5 secs to conclude that i wasn’t going to stand. Yes it was my turn, but i couldn’t have waited that long just to stand, so i got down. My turn would come & I’d be sitting comfortably, i wouldn’t settle for anything less.
It took a while, But the bus did come.
I stepped into it while it was empty & picked the choicest seat, right underneath the AC😊
And as i sat i smiled. All the hours of standing under the scorching sun all forgotten as the AC enveloped me. And i heard it…
It may take time, your bus will not always arrive as expected, be relentless and never ever settle.
I know I’ll understand this better very soon😊.

Perhaps; Mayhaps and Random thoughts

I had often thought about it, remaining single I mean, never getting to have a husband or kids, at its very best, perhaps I’d get to have artificial insemination, employ a surrogate, consider adopting, I mean, the list is endless.
What does it take to find a life partner? To receive the love you actually know you deserve and not the one you think you deserve or the meagreness another is willing to offer; to discover and relatively experience the happiness you’ve always dreamt of, in the arms and heart of another, wishing and hoping for a life time of marital bliss however knowing that these thoughts in themselves are but a fallacy, the possibility of a hurt or a heart shattering event being a thousand in a thousand.
Do you ever wonder, whether he/she is the right person? They seem so, but you’re just not sure. Seemingly perfect, your heart roaringly palpitates when they are near, they occupy the most part of your thoughts when you sleep, you wake up missing a part of you when you get out of bed in the morning, yet, there is something more, something you need, something that needs to fall in place but just isn’t, a conviction, a sign, some sort of pointer perhaps, something that screams ‘he is the one’, an assurance of some sort, you want to be sure, totally and absolutely, that there would be no mishaps on this journey, but you have second thoughts, you’re planning on getting a heart insurance policy, mayhaps, you anticipate the hurt because not doing so would make you a fool. You say I love you and he says it too, but at the back of your mind, you wonder if it’s the truth, you constantly think what if…
I find myself at this place questioning my life long held beliefs about love, about marriage, and companionship, I ask myself if I am able to stay committed to the process in and for the long run, I ask myself this question over and over again, what does love mean to me? Do I want to get married?
I saw Him raise his hands on Her a couple of times while growing up, sometimes due to transferred aggression and most times due to the frustration of him not being able to provide for his family, if I were in her shoes, would I be able to take it? Would I stay? But there is another angle to this story, a different projection which I am reluctantly willing to explore or admit to myself: THE FEAR OF HURT.
I’d die if he breaks my heart, I’ll never fall in love again, I’d hate men for the rest of my life and this is against my Christian faith so I’d rather not explore the relationship option, he is from a minority tribe and my parents won’t like him, better single and fine than in a relationship and hurting, these are a list of so many excuses I’ve given myself over a long period of time, and as I would later find out, admitting that these stem from something much more deeper; FEAR: was very hard for me, almost impossible to let out.
You see, I find that I belong to two emotional extremities; I either love you fiercely or hate you passionately, there is no middle ground for me, except you have being friend zoned or brother zoned, then most appropriately, ‘like’ would do just fine.
How do you love someone, pour your heart and soul into them, knowing that your very actions is you venturing into a realm of uncertainty? How do you say ‘I do’, pledging your life to another at the risk of being broken, betrayed, left or hurt. Then again, how do you make a decision to be alone, all by yourself, choosing to lock up your heart, making it unbreakable, impenetrable at the risk of experiencing several infinities categorised by lonesome solitude.
I find myself at a place where I have to choose between two ‘unpleasantness’ Love and risk being broken, to love is to be vulnerable after all or guard yourself fiercely and risk being alone all your life.
I hover between two broken realities . An entrapment both of my making and that of a society that I, most assuredly without choice, find myself in.
The seemingly logical question is: when are we not ever broken? Love will break you with its intensity but even solitude will break you with its yearning, the bottom line is, at some point in our lives, somehow, sometime, we are a pile of brokenness, some of us get to fix it and some others live to the end of their lives remaining broken.
Ultimately, a decision has got to be made, it is a tough one really, but I bet time will tell!IMG_20151003_152549

A Short Story…

What would you say if i told you that I love you?

He stared at me from across the table, with his bouncing fro sitting quite comfortably on the top of his head

There was this beauty about gbenga, it just radiates from every part of his being, the glint in his eyes when he is up to something mischievous, the smirkish smile on his face that preludes the opening of his sparkling set of teeth, the dent in his chin, the dimple on his left cheek and the little strands of hair that was more or less, a sorry excuse for a moustache.

My mind wondered aimlessly

somehow the question had taken me to a part of my mind that i’d never been to

I thought to myself: I’d desperately wish those words were true

I’d hope that you meant every single word

I’d like my own share of happily ever after… with you

I mentally wave off my thoughts and let out a loud belt of laughter

Don’t be such a Joker Gbenga

I immediately get to my feet, dragging him by the arms, we stare at each other for a brief second and then we strolled into the sunset.

That day, he gave me the look, the look that told me he knew exactly what my thoughts were

He knew my fear

Shattered too many times, i became a broken tale, and no matter how hard we tried, he knew at that moment that our story could never become whole.

couple

JUNE 7: CHEERS TO BEING TWENTY-ONE

CHEERS TO BEING TWENTY-ONE
“A thousand times I fail, still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again, I’m caught by your grace”
Dear reader,
If this isn’t love, then I wonder what is
Isn’t it miraculous, just the way God can transform crap into something worthwhile
What haven’t I done?
Often times, I have reduced God, limiting him to my dimensions
Ascribing to him, my own reactions, responses and feelings
Forgetting that it is I who is made in his image and not other-wise
“MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS, NOR MY WAYS YOUR WAYS”
God’s nature of divine love is inscrutable, transcendent and manifestly unquestionable
Our limited and conditional love, multiplied and expanded is but a distant metaphor compared to his
I’ve lived a life of selfishness, selective and passive loving
A life of self-righteousness and pride
My opinions always had to be right, and my voice had to be heard
A couple of times, the sun have gone down on my anger
Even more, I have cursed those who curse me
The reality of God’s never ending love kept escaping me
I’ve shed stormy, scalding, steamy, heart-wrung tears
Staring helplessly confused, at this rail, the train of my life journeys on
I’ve appealed to the heavens in prayer so hopeless and agised, with my brittle frame, on my knees
That once I’d felt St. Peter slam the gates of the heavens shut
But one thing there is that I am constantly reminded of:
Romans 8:38 “NOTHING CAN EVER SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE”
Before the foundations of the world, he loved me
And even till now, he loves me
His love has got nothing to do with my blatant misdeeds, or palpable flaws
I am called to be completely irrelevant, having nothing to offer but my vulnerable self
So that the love of God might be revealed
For family and friends who are a part of my life as reflections or refractions of God’s eternal love
I cannot love you perfectly nor unconditionally
There is no human love that is not broken somewhere, somehow
My broken love is however a partial reflection of God’s perfect love for us all
As I celebrate being twenty-one this day, my heart is filled with so much appreciation
I’m indeed grateful for where God has brought me and where he is taking me to
Now to him who is able to keep me from falling and to present me faultless,
Before the presence of his glory with exceeding Joy:
I may yearn for roses and fields of amber grain, but if you choose lord,
I’ll live among the thorns and fields smothered with weeds
To Olayinka Ope, my first ever true and best friend, distance cant mar this love
Thank you for showing me what true love is like and even if I haven’t seen you for six years
I know our friendship will always wax stronger, I love you Nigress! (nigga + tigress) LOL!
Edmund Oseahon! I see ya
To Mofeoluwa and Vaughan
The new wine in the old skin of this stony heart God has made flesh
The earthly source of my strength and inspiration
The beautiful imperfection of your friendship has been a catalyst of positive change in my life
To obehi ehinmehn, I know I usually do not appreciate you enough, thank you love!
To Semidara Jones Pamoweih, you proud ass nigga, thank you for bearing with my incessant nagging and cruelty lol! may God give you the spirit of long-suffering to continue to accomodate me
To my LSS and SCM fam! You rock guys! Extra love to swaggertols and Tofo!
Beautiful Betha, Brazen Bolaji, Lovely Laide, Ngozi, Chef Nma, Ore Jumia, Ochuware! Awon temi ti Emerald, you guys are so amazing! Thank you.
To Slum2School Africa, for giving me a new purpose in life, thank you!
Law Class of ’15!!! We rock!!! Hell Yeah!

To everyone that i’ve come across in these past years, thank you! may God’s love never escape us, may every road we take lead us to fulfillment, and may we find the grace never to thread on lonely paths!
Most times I’m mean, grouchy and cold, but hey! Mummy Hilda loves y’all!.IMG04321-20120225-1634_1
CHEERS TO BEING 21! IT’S BEEN GOD ALL THE WAY!!! #TEAMGEMINIIkorudu-20130918-09131-001 IMG_14216001_1_edit_edit IMG04229-20120222-1305 - Copy team lawIMG-20131028-09947-001

Words My Father Said…

as_much_as_i_dreamToday is Saturday the fourth of April,2015.

It is 21:57

I sat on the brown leather sofa in the sitting room, my entire attention affixed to the flat screen right before me, dad had just downed a few glasses of Carlo Rossi.

if you stand and look at the sight of the shore, you’ll never cross the ocean…

Dad says to me: you’ve got to be ambitious,you’ve got to have a large heart, be a woman of vision…

If you stay within the confines of comfort, the ability to enlarge your coast will begin to elude you

Have dreams and have goals, life is valueless without them

My own father stopped with a motor-cycle, and whilst i was growing up, i vowed to do better, i got a vehicle 🙂 and you also have to do better

Final Admonition: You must have a dream, a very tall dream

Behind a man of success, is a woman of vision, and you must strive to become that woman.

Never be one to get entangled with someone that does not understand your vision

Do not be over-joyous with infinitesimal feats, a farmer may get to have a bountiful harvest now but he is oblivious of how the next season will turn out. Tables turn and tides change, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, always have an alternative.

The most important people in life, are the people right here, right now, the ones that define reality,they make the seemingly impossible possible, choose wisely people who will support your dreams.

He ends it with Never stop dreaming my dear,never stop having a tall dream.