THE CONFESSIONS OF A DIE-HARD FANTASIST

I had been thinking about him too much these days. I kept turning and tossing on the bed, the thought of him prevented me from sleeping. I picked up my phone and turned on the data, went straight to his twitter handle like I’ve been doing for the past 3 days, his last tweet was 5 hours ago. I stared into the empty space, it seemed like I had seen a vision but I could see nothing but him. My imagination had begin to run wild again, the more I thought of him, the more unsteady my heart beat got. I felt hot from within. I could not think of anything else but his smile, his lips, his eyes, and the way he takes his hands to his face when he’s talking to me.
Heaven knows that I’ve never been more attracted to a man the way I am attracted to him at this moment. I really thought I had passed this phase after high school, the phase of raging emotions, hormonal insurgence and unrealistic fantasies.
The only thing I think about when I wake up is to be in his arms, to be wherever he is; I can’t even concentrate on anything.
I’m thrown into an abyss of endless wonder of how the touch of his hands would feel like, how would his lips taste? Would he be gentle or rough?lust
Oh lord! My mind is wandering too far. This is just the height; I might as well just have lost my sanity.
I closed my eyes to say a quick prayer to God;
Father, Chi is driving me crazy, I think of him all the time, every hour, minute and second of the day. What I think about is not in the least way holy or pure. I want him so badly and I’m afraid of the intensity of the emotions that I’m feeling. Help me to understand father, this cannot be what you want for me, I can’t deal with this on my own.
Almost instantly, I felt relieved, like a heavy burden had been taken off of me. There were just three words spoken:
“PEACE BE STILL”
“MY STRENGTH IS PERFECTED IN YOUR WEAKNESS”
There was no reproach, no scolding just a calm and resonate voice asking me to rely on God’s strength.
I guess God knows what we’re going through, and he sure doesn’t blame us for the way we feel, after all he is our father and he created us. His thoughts towards us are thoughts of good and not of evil (Jeremiah 29:11)
And when we feel helpless and incapable to carry out God’s will, he calls us to come to him, to give him our burdens in exchange for rest. (Matthew 11:28)
The truth; Chi still drives me crazy, but I’ve lost the pressure to do that which is against God’s word. My heart still skips a beat when I chat with him but I no longer feel the urge to be the seductive temptress nor play the role of a victimized damsel-in-distress, who awaits her knight’s kisses and touch to awaken her.
I am reminded each day to wait on the lord and be of good courage for he will strengthen my heart (Psalm 27:14)
I realise that even as a Christian, it is absolutely normal to feel this way about a gorgeous man and I am not ashamed to say it out, I’d rather declare my weakness and rely on God’s strength than pretend to have the ability of handling it all on my own.
A choice is being presented to us, to pick between the physical and spiritual. It is a never ending war between the spirit and the flesh (Galatians 5:17 NLT)
I choose to present my body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God. What of you? (Romans 12:1)Romans 12.2

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