I had often thought about it, remaining single I mean, never getting to have a husband or kids, at its very best, perhaps I’d get to have artificial insemination, employ a surrogate, consider adopting, I mean, the list is endless.
What does it take to find a life partner? To receive the love you actually know you deserve and not the one you think you deserve or the meagreness another is willing to offer; to discover and relatively experience the happiness you’ve always dreamt of, in the arms and heart of another, wishing and hoping for a life time of marital bliss however knowing that these thoughts in themselves are but a fallacy, the possibility of a hurt or a heart shattering event being a thousand in a thousand.
Do you ever wonder, whether he/she is the right person? They seem so, but you’re just not sure. Seemingly perfect, your heart roaringly palpitates when they are near, they occupy the most part of your thoughts when you sleep, you wake up missing a part of you when you get out of bed in the morning, yet, there is something more, something you need, something that needs to fall in place but just isn’t, a conviction, a sign, some sort of pointer perhaps, something that screams ‘he is the one’, an assurance of some sort, you want to be sure, totally and absolutely, that there would be no mishaps on this journey, but you have second thoughts, you’re planning on getting a heart insurance policy, mayhaps, you anticipate the hurt because not doing so would make you a fool. You say I love you and he says it too, but at the back of your mind, you wonder if it’s the truth, you constantly think what if…
I find myself at this place questioning my life long held beliefs about love, about marriage, and companionship, I ask myself if I am able to stay committed to the process in and for the long run, I ask myself this question over and over again, what does love mean to me? Do I want to get married?
I saw Him raise his hands on Her a couple of times while growing up, sometimes due to transferred aggression and most times due to the frustration of him not being able to provide for his family, if I were in her shoes, would I be able to take it? Would I stay? But there is another angle to this story, a different projection which I am reluctantly willing to explore or admit to myself: THE FEAR OF HURT.
I’d die if he breaks my heart, I’ll never fall in love again, I’d hate men for the rest of my life and this is against my Christian faith so I’d rather not explore the relationship option, he is from a minority tribe and my parents won’t like him, better single and fine than in a relationship and hurting, these are a list of so many excuses I’ve given myself over a long period of time, and as I would later find out, admitting that these stem from something much more deeper; FEAR: was very hard for me, almost impossible to let out.
You see, I find that I belong to two emotional extremities; I either love you fiercely or hate you passionately, there is no middle ground for me, except you have being friend zoned or brother zoned, then most appropriately, ‘like’ would do just fine.
How do you love someone, pour your heart and soul into them, knowing that your very actions is you venturing into a realm of uncertainty? How do you say ‘I do’, pledging your life to another at the risk of being broken, betrayed, left or hurt. Then again, how do you make a decision to be alone, all by yourself, choosing to lock up your heart, making it unbreakable, impenetrable at the risk of experiencing several infinities categorised by lonesome solitude.
I find myself at a place where I have to choose between two ‘unpleasantness’ Love and risk being broken, to love is to be vulnerable after all or guard yourself fiercely and risk being alone all your life.
I hover between two broken realities . An entrapment both of my making and that of a society that I, most assuredly without choice, find myself in.
The seemingly logical question is: when are we not ever broken? Love will break you with its intensity but even solitude will break you with its yearning, the bottom line is, at some point in our lives, somehow, sometime, we are a pile of brokenness, some of us get to fix it and some others live to the end of their lives remaining broken.