Perhaps; Mayhaps and Random thoughts

I had often thought about it, remaining single I mean, never getting to have a husband or kids, at its very best, perhaps I’d get to have artificial insemination, employ a surrogate, consider adopting, I mean, the list is endless.
What does it take to find a life partner? To receive the love you actually know you deserve and not the one you think you deserve or the meagreness another is willing to offer; to discover and relatively experience the happiness you’ve always dreamt of, in the arms and heart of another, wishing and hoping for a life time of marital bliss however knowing that these thoughts in themselves are but a fallacy, the possibility of a hurt or a heart shattering event being a thousand in a thousand.
Do you ever wonder, whether he/she is the right person? They seem so, but you’re just not sure. Seemingly perfect, your heart roaringly palpitates when they are near, they occupy the most part of your thoughts when you sleep, you wake up missing a part of you when you get out of bed in the morning, yet, there is something more, something you need, something that needs to fall in place but just isn’t, a conviction, a sign, some sort of pointer perhaps, something that screams ‘he is the one’, an assurance of some sort, you want to be sure, totally and absolutely, that there would be no mishaps on this journey, but you have second thoughts, you’re planning on getting a heart insurance policy, mayhaps, you anticipate the hurt because not doing so would make you a fool. You say I love you and he says it too, but at the back of your mind, you wonder if it’s the truth, you constantly think what if…
I find myself at this place questioning my life long held beliefs about love, about marriage, and companionship, I ask myself if I am able to stay committed to the process in and for the long run, I ask myself this question over and over again, what does love mean to me? Do I want to get married?
I saw Him raise his hands on Her a couple of times while growing up, sometimes due to transferred aggression and most times due to the frustration of him not being able to provide for his family, if I were in her shoes, would I be able to take it? Would I stay? But there is another angle to this story, a different projection which I am reluctantly willing to explore or admit to myself: THE FEAR OF HURT.
I’d die if he breaks my heart, I’ll never fall in love again, I’d hate men for the rest of my life and this is against my Christian faith so I’d rather not explore the relationship option, he is from a minority tribe and my parents won’t like him, better single and fine than in a relationship and hurting, these are a list of so many excuses I’ve given myself over a long period of time, and as I would later find out, admitting that these stem from something much more deeper; FEAR: was very hard for me, almost impossible to let out.
You see, I find that I belong to two emotional extremities; I either love you fiercely or hate you passionately, there is no middle ground for me, except you have being friend zoned or brother zoned, then most appropriately, ‘like’ would do just fine.
How do you love someone, pour your heart and soul into them, knowing that your very actions is you venturing into a realm of uncertainty? How do you say ‘I do’, pledging your life to another at the risk of being broken, betrayed, left or hurt. Then again, how do you make a decision to be alone, all by yourself, choosing to lock up your heart, making it unbreakable, impenetrable at the risk of experiencing several infinities categorised by lonesome solitude.
I find myself at a place where I have to choose between two ‘unpleasantness’ Love and risk being broken, to love is to be vulnerable after all or guard yourself fiercely and risk being alone all your life.
I hover between two broken realities . An entrapment both of my making and that of a society that I, most assuredly without choice, find myself in.
The seemingly logical question is: when are we not ever broken? Love will break you with its intensity but even solitude will break you with its yearning, the bottom line is, at some point in our lives, somehow, sometime, we are a pile of brokenness, some of us get to fix it and some others live to the end of their lives remaining broken.
Ultimately, a decision has got to be made, it is a tough one really, but I bet time will tell!IMG_20151003_152549

A Short Story…

What would you say if i told you that I love you?

He stared at me from across the table, with his bouncing fro sitting quite comfortably on the top of his head

There was this beauty about gbenga, it just radiates from every part of his being, the glint in his eyes when he is up to something mischievous, the smirkish smile on his face that preludes the opening of his sparkling set of teeth, the dent in his chin, the dimple on his left cheek and the little strands of hair that was more or less, a sorry excuse for a moustache.

My mind wondered aimlessly

somehow the question had taken me to a part of my mind that i’d never been to

I thought to myself: I’d desperately wish those words were true

I’d hope that you meant every single word

I’d like my own share of happily ever after… with you

I mentally wave off my thoughts and let out a loud belt of laughter

Don’t be such a Joker Gbenga

I immediately get to my feet, dragging him by the arms, we stare at each other for a brief second and then we strolled into the sunset.

That day, he gave me the look, the look that told me he knew exactly what my thoughts were

He knew my fear

Shattered too many times, i became a broken tale, and no matter how hard we tried, he knew at that moment that our story could never become whole.

couple

JUNE 7: CHEERS TO BEING TWENTY-ONE

CHEERS TO BEING TWENTY-ONE
“A thousand times I fail, still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again, I’m caught by your grace”
Dear reader,
If this isn’t love, then I wonder what is
Isn’t it miraculous, just the way God can transform crap into something worthwhile
What haven’t I done?
Often times, I have reduced God, limiting him to my dimensions
Ascribing to him, my own reactions, responses and feelings
Forgetting that it is I who is made in his image and not other-wise
“MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS, NOR MY WAYS YOUR WAYS”
God’s nature of divine love is inscrutable, transcendent and manifestly unquestionable
Our limited and conditional love, multiplied and expanded is but a distant metaphor compared to his
I’ve lived a life of selfishness, selective and passive loving
A life of self-righteousness and pride
My opinions always had to be right, and my voice had to be heard
A couple of times, the sun have gone down on my anger
Even more, I have cursed those who curse me
The reality of God’s never ending love kept escaping me
I’ve shed stormy, scalding, steamy, heart-wrung tears
Staring helplessly confused, at this rail, the train of my life journeys on
I’ve appealed to the heavens in prayer so hopeless and agised, with my brittle frame, on my knees
That once I’d felt St. Peter slam the gates of the heavens shut
But one thing there is that I am constantly reminded of:
Romans 8:38 “NOTHING CAN EVER SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE”
Before the foundations of the world, he loved me
And even till now, he loves me
His love has got nothing to do with my blatant misdeeds, or palpable flaws
I am called to be completely irrelevant, having nothing to offer but my vulnerable self
So that the love of God might be revealed
For family and friends who are a part of my life as reflections or refractions of God’s eternal love
I cannot love you perfectly nor unconditionally
There is no human love that is not broken somewhere, somehow
My broken love is however a partial reflection of God’s perfect love for us all
As I celebrate being twenty-one this day, my heart is filled with so much appreciation
I’m indeed grateful for where God has brought me and where he is taking me to
Now to him who is able to keep me from falling and to present me faultless,
Before the presence of his glory with exceeding Joy:
I may yearn for roses and fields of amber grain, but if you choose lord,
I’ll live among the thorns and fields smothered with weeds
To Olayinka Ope, my first ever true and best friend, distance cant mar this love
Thank you for showing me what true love is like and even if I haven’t seen you for six years
I know our friendship will always wax stronger, I love you Nigress! (nigga + tigress) LOL!
Edmund Oseahon! I see ya
To Mofeoluwa and Vaughan
The new wine in the old skin of this stony heart God has made flesh
The earthly source of my strength and inspiration
The beautiful imperfection of your friendship has been a catalyst of positive change in my life
To obehi ehinmehn, I know I usually do not appreciate you enough, thank you love!
To Semidara Jones Pamoweih, you proud ass nigga, thank you for bearing with my incessant nagging and cruelty lol! may God give you the spirit of long-suffering to continue to accomodate me
To my LSS and SCM fam! You rock guys! Extra love to swaggertols and Tofo!
Beautiful Betha, Brazen Bolaji, Lovely Laide, Ngozi, Chef Nma, Ore Jumia, Ochuware! Awon temi ti Emerald, you guys are so amazing! Thank you.
To Slum2School Africa, for giving me a new purpose in life, thank you!
Law Class of ’15!!! We rock!!! Hell Yeah!

To everyone that i’ve come across in these past years, thank you! may God’s love never escape us, may every road we take lead us to fulfillment, and may we find the grace never to thread on lonely paths!
Most times I’m mean, grouchy and cold, but hey! Mummy Hilda loves y’all!.IMG04321-20120225-1634_1
CHEERS TO BEING 21! IT’S BEEN GOD ALL THE WAY!!! #TEAMGEMINIIkorudu-20130918-09131-001 IMG_14216001_1_edit_edit IMG04229-20120222-1305 - Copy team lawIMG-20131028-09947-001

WHAT HAS LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

908012707200002525_340223225It has been a quite painful week, amidst the deep throaty laughter shared with my slightly crazy friends, the bubbling excitement over the resumption of a new and my penultimate semester in the faculty of law, university of Lagos, clasped in the palm of my mind had been the thought of what could have been.
How friendships could easily turn sour.
Myriads of emotions flowed through my blood filled veins, a staggering pain hammering its way towards the core of my all but stony heart. It wasn’t in the way he ignores me each time I try to say hi, not in the way he indirectly insults me on social media, not even the way he bad-mouths me to his friends within the confines of King Jaja Hostel mattered much to me.
It was the fact that this was a person I could say absolutely anything to, even the most ridiculous ‘gists’ manifestly laced with absurdities, I couldn’t watch a kissing scene without covering my eyes, but I could talk to him about Sex (something I couldn’t and still cannot discuss with any person on earth), the pains and glory without batting an eye-lash, with him I could just be me. And now as I stare from a safe distance searching for clues and subtleties about a man that had once held my heart spell bound, I see an alien; I feel a sense of loss, filled with so much anger, bitterness and self pride, he had become a person that I could no longer recognise.
I tried to run.
I would look at him with a longing I had never thought I could feel, later I would come to realise that he wasn’t interested. There was an ex in the picture that I never knew existed. I would accompany him everywhere as I never wanted to know the sorrow of departing from his glorious presence, yet still…
Nothing happened.
Secretly I would hopefully wish that we could together, bypass the formalities, damn the unknown and gracefully slide into some sort of fairy tailed intimacy. Often times, lines from a song by Colbie Caillat would cross my mind:
I don’t know boy, I think I may be falling for you, dropping so quickly…
I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about you, I don’t know what to do
A penny for my wishful thinking one would assume, but my thinking made me all the more penniless, if not even stuck in some form of abject emotional impoverishment.
I burned, I melted but I did it all alone.
And then love was damned.
It had all come down to the wellbeing of my sanity, feeling so small and stupid, I finally convinced myself that it was nothing but a lost cause.
After all, what has love got to do with it?
A second hand emotion or nah?
Good fortune would later bring me to the door step of a man who would love, cherish and respect me whether I felt the same way or not. Till today I still wake up at dawn to pinch myself and at the same time ask myself “Baby girl, it this for real! It’s been a roller coaster of brimming love I tell ya.
All those things about a guy calling you day and night to check on you isn’t too far-fetched, and trust me, it just never gets tiring NEVER!
Spoiler Alert!
The other guy, yeah he fell in love, did I mention that I was the “lucky girl” but by then, I was over it, done and dusted were the words stamped in bright tomato red over the ruins and ashes of what was but never could be. Let’s be friends we said, but that didn’t work out for long and at the end of the day it became a criminal case of an “Unrequited love”, a few fallouts and the end seemed near, it’s funny you’re the broken one when all along I was the one that needed saving.
CPR?
CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION
You know all those things lifeguards do at the beach to resuscitate a lad who almost got drowned? Yeah I tried that but someone’s larger than life ego got in the way. Trying not to go all Taylor swift on you but the question still remains:
What has love really got to do with it?
I do not blame him for not knowing the gentleness of my soul
When I only showed him how violently I loved
I remain loyal man but;
If people were rain you’d be a drizzle and I a hurricane, your love came a little too late, and what is that proverb about an opportunity lost? Well, you get the drift.

A PERSONAL TRIBUTE(ROLIHLAHLA MANDELA)

And so Madiba is gone. He’s done the best he could and he’s finally at peace. We all knew this day would come, we just didn’t expect it to be now. Tributes are going up everywhere around the world, flags are being flown at half-mast, the world literally is standing agog for this one man who has inspired millions of people across the globe. Being a ‘90s born, I do not know so much about his deeds apart from the things I’ve read about him which are in no way meagre. I bet there is lesson to learn from Madiba’s life, he stood for everything right and befitting. Indeed, it was a long walk to freedom. From his war against the apartheid system, to his incarceration, his ardent belief that every African child needed to be educated, and have access to adequate health care, his fiery passion to see every African free from abject poverty and squalor; dehumanization; disenfranchisement; and injustice of any sort to finally becoming the first democratically elected president of South Africa. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela has proved to me and the entire world that one man can start a revolutionary change which can affect the lives of individuals in a positive way. The burden now falls on us to continue with this change. It is time for the next Generation to continue the struggle against social injustice, the future of humanity lies nowhere else but in our hands. From you I’ve learned to be myself, to use my every God given talent for the better good of humankind, to love those who love me and those who hate me as well, to forgive and let go of the hurt, to give until nothing else can be given. I will be among the millions who will keep your legacy living in my heart, believing that together we have the power to change the course of destiny, trying each and every single day to make Africa a better place. Thank you Madiba for being you, Rest In Peace!

                                                                                                                        Image   NELSON ROLIHLAHLA MANDELA

                                                                                                                                                      1918-2013

Image
“There is a desire within each of us,
in the deep center of ourselves
that we call our heart.
We were born with it,
it is never completely satisfied,
and it never dies.
We are often unaware of it,
but it is always awake.

It is the Human desire for Love.
Every person in this Earth yearns to love,
to be loved, to know love.
Our true identity, our reason for being
is to be found in this desire.

Love is the “why” of life,
why we are functioning at all.
I am convinced
it is the fundamental energy
of the human spirit.
the fuel on which we run,
the wellspring of our vitality.

And grace,
which is the flowing,
creative activity, of love itself,
is what makes all goodness possible.

Love should come first,
it should be the beginning of,
and the reason for everything.”
Gerald G. May

“In friendship….

“In friendship…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

The four loves by C.S Lewis is a must have for everyone